At the moment I received the news, I just bitterly smiled, and then remained silent. I used to think of being sorrow is howl or vent. However now I must have no expressions in my face, though every breath will bring me much pain. I should have cried simply and directly, but once a person meet with the real painful things, he will only diverge the topics to other irrelevant things, and then sigh for other reasons. This is not because he doesn't care, but his extremely painful feeling push him to divert his attention from this serious matter.
If a person wants to grow up quickly, he has to experience painful things, for the heartfelt lesson will deeply engraved into his mind, making him always remember how to avoid the failure. But if some experiences are too painful for him, it will no longer only to be lessons, instead, it will be a kind of trauma.
Like other normal people, I have a few trauma events within my history. People always think of time is the best medicine for pain, with the flowing of time, the old events will never appear in the current world, neither will the history ever occur again, but someone who relating to the event will always consider again and again about the affair, so that the memories with in his mind will timelessly fresh as when it occurred. This kind of phenominon does really happens on people who are very sensitive, and the character which is used to be out of joy.
This thing happens to me is a kind of misfortune, and the unforgetful experience. I am afraid of this kind of things every much from my childhood, and every time I prey for preventing it to happen, it always happens on me. I have already experience this kind of things before, at that time I just be sad for one or two months, however this time whenever I think of it, I am decadently weak, and more clear and serious than before. Knowing something in this world can not be changed even people have tried their best.
Some people can recover from these kind of things very quickly, or seems to be strong in front of people. However if they ask themselves honestly, do they really recover? I am afraid not. If only they are perceptual, they will always feel sorrow about for that, no matter how they cheat themselves. The reason they pretend to be happy is just because they want to be happy ones in other people's imagination.
I begin to dislike and avoid many things now, even myself. "Decadent" can be used to describe my condition now, and I have developed a new unhealthy habit, that is abusing medicines. Once someone begins to take a kind of medicine, he or she will become generally rely on that. With the period longer, the effect of a certain medicine will begin to reduce, for inside the body of patient the immunity has came into being, so I have to take more and more frequently, and the illness state has taken a turn for the worse.
Also, I begin to love a feeling of being intoxicated with the effect of medicine. It is so similar to drunk people. I like to take the medicine before sleep, and all the sad feeling will be paralysised by the dizzy spell. There will also be delusion come into being when I look around. The headlight recesses into the ceiling generally, and its light changes from gently wide into many rays sending out to all directions, and from time to time rotating around the center. How beautiful the scene is!
Then I looked to the pictures I have search, all of the people in those pictures have their certain postures, and now they are slowly moving! Even their expressions are changing, especially their mouth, within my intocixating as well as delusion. At this moment I forget who I am, what I am doing, where this place is, extremely comfortable; I have no desire for anything, no matter food or drink, money or position, completely relaxed. I hope this condition will last for ever.
When I sober up from the pleasure later, I hope I can experience it every day, but this kind of medicine can only be used occasionally. Being sober means withstand those things made me painful, but now I have to meet them, not only for myself, but more for people who are important to me. Although in a life time 80% things will not satisfy people, we still have to choose live, not only because we are not brave enough to give up our lives, but also hope for the better lives in the future, with this motive power, I should continue my life for greeting a better future.
