I have the worst habit of duplicity.
Not only being like this, but I have deeply sinked into it as well.
Repeatedly swearing that I don't care about the secular vision, when I was proud of myself after accomplished some objective. I treat it the greatest character a person should own, because in many first-class literature works almost all the main hero are able to respect all people and are full of the spirit of rebellion. Therefore I once have thought of myself in a righteous way that I am that kind as well. But I actually not that kind, on the contrary, I am the slave of the common customs.
That fear is within my unconsciousness, for I am not a brave person after all. Completely ignoring the bias of customs and doing something looked as "falling" in their views really need the brave extend out of what I can attend. Am I owning the courageous to abandon my studies, taking the risks of bearing poverty and discrimination, to pursue for the life of artist? Am I brave enough to become drunk in order to obtain the inspiration of creation? Am I universally love all kinds of people and experience the same life as the poor? I naturally despise the hypocritical noble people, but I am not necessarily respect the poor people. I am somewhat like a funny ancient person, who loves large dragon, but when the real dragon was in front of him, he just escape as fast as he can. When the real proof has coming, I don't even resist and surrender directly.
I am the slave of common customs, and very faithfully. In front of me is the rapid and unfathomable river, and I have to walk though it independently with no resorting. In order to win the appreciate vision of society, although I didn't think in that way due to my denying of my vanity thought, I am actually involved with the great dangerous.
In order to satisfy my vainglory which is innate to me, and to please the public, I choose to carry a ring of light on my head as an angel, irreversibly walked into the river. The water level continuously cover my body, until now it has strangled my throat, and the most important thing is that I don't know how deep the water will be in the future.
Acting without considering about self capacity is foolish in one perspective, and in another perspective I treat running risk of great failure. I clearly know if I fail to do so I will be hurt seriously, and unable to get up after a fall. I am also not unrestrained enough to give up, not because I am very strong, on the contrary insisting on doing something is precisely because of the fragile, afraid of self-denial and can not bear that all the things I do are just waste of time. Moreover, if I abandon doing this, I myself will fear the pressure coming from all area.
So now I am still in the rapid river, being caught in a delimma. Knowing nothing about condition in another band, I blindly follow the way paved for me by secular. On one hand I dislike the secular sense of worth, but on another hand I can't escape from it, for I also have vainglory, and it can only be satisfied in the area of society, only being surrounded by those flattering people. It is obvious that I have not enough talent of doing those current things, I still try to do them.
Due to those, I have given up many things, generally becoming boring as those people, and more and more similar with them. My inspiration is running off from my thought. Now I feel very choppy even for writing such a normal essay. Creative passion is very fragile, I can only complete a work under a fully relaxed condition. If I can really ignore the pressure of society, walk though them without even having a look at them, and create my own work, then I will not be far away from a great artist.
Carrying the great trust of secular, I walked towards the front totteringly betraying my own will.
