even the most useful drug will turn to be useless in the end, when the patient abuse it.
I always think of, if this really happens, how can I maintain my life?
Maybe I am too eager to recover the normal life as others, instead of being a night ghost. At this moment, I am imaging all kinds of sleeping postures of other people, they must have slept soundly, but I am still awake and thinking of useless things.
I want to live a normal life as all others, so I abused using the medicine.
The feeling it brings to me is weaker and weaker with the raise of my using frequently. At the beginning only 1/3 of it will be effective only in 10 minutes, and I felt like being in wonderland and got the dream quickly. However, now even 1/2 of the tablet will not affect me at all.
It is clear that my pursuing for contemporary benefits is absolutely not helpful, and even brings me a more serious problem, that is my losing sleep is worse than before.
How can I carry on my life like this? How can I confess to my parents about this matter? They have already warned me not to use it too frequently, but now my illness is becoming worse because of my own behavior. I tell lies to them, saying that my life is stable and normal as usual, otherwise they will be too worry to support their own lives. How can I be so cruel, to bring them more pain when I already know they are filled with anxiety just because of me! They looks older than before last year when I meet them, no longer the handsome man and the beautiful woman. Their energy and youth has already exhausted on me for so many years. For them, I have to continue my struggle for life.
Therefore, I have to hide my real current condition. Also, I have to hide all other unsatisfactory happening to me from them, especially my mum, she becomes so sensitive because of me that she also lost her sleep at mid night, and she has to go to work next morning, working for many hours. I have to try to comfort their heart frightened for so many times.
I had to deal with it by myself. From the beginning to the end. Although I have no idea how to improve my current condition, I just transfer the problem to the fate, and I myself will despite him to handle my future.
The way I take medicine is very similar to the way I use money, I always avoid looking at the balance sheet of my bank account, I just take out money from the machine, and use the money to create a happier life. Never think of the future, at least today I am normal as all others, that is the best reward for me.
