depravity

Lying in the darkness,I kept on thinking of one problem, in fact the method is simple: just pull the drawer, take out those tablets, put them into my mouth and then swallow them with the peach juice. Only half of one tablet is enough for sleep, so all of them may liberate my soul from the physical body. From that on, I will return back to the dim world I come from, where no feelings have ever existed, and this situation will last forever, I don't have to struggle for meanless life tiredly.

It's really so easy to complete the process, that I am surprised for such a shortcut to take to touch death. What's the meaning of waiting with fear and bearing tremendous pains for 60 or 70 years until the final judgement? The remote death country must be the same one which before we are born. It is a peacefully dead world, completely quiet one. There should be no reason for me to reject coming into it, on the contrary, it is quite suitable for me, who is suffocating roughly without any desire.

Thinking all of this, my blood condensed at once, and I began to breath rapidly. The contradictory minds conflict fiercely.Just image so many colorful dreams as bubbles rose highly and finally broke. However I was still like being nailed on the bed, can't even move to the drawer.

How shameful!!! My weakness in character has never been changed till now. Now that I can't live respectively, what's the point to continue the life like this?

The purpose of my life now is not for myself, but only my parents, they don't want to lose me, so I can't hurt them. That's the only purpose of my life. I have found an explanation to cover my weakness. However, my heart has already dead, numb, and despair. I can image from the darkness the fate is still striking me with his whip, and I am still crawling forward. My body is becoming putrid generally. From now on, I am really a dead person, until some day I have decided sufficiently to go to the shortcut way to another world.

Comparing to many other people, both my character and capability are too weak for surviving in this brutal world, even once the wind blow me, I can't stand still. So living is such a painful thing, every step of mine is standing on the edge of knives, so I may not belong to this world......

Not brave enough to die, so only degenerate.

rescue

It is quite hard to type words again for someone who keep silent for a long time. Writing is one of the happiest thing in the world, for people can express their feelings and elaborate their considerations between the lines unrestrainedly. However sometimes I think even this enjoyment will be lost by me, for I have been imposed to choose another living pattern, which whets human's nature roughly, so that no delicate thoughts will ever be remained in people's hearts. Not only this external factor, but personal reasons as well. Sometimes I am just not strong enough to adjust my emotion. I really respect someone who can still produce their works tremendously even in extremely adverse circumstances. I am so weak that I escaped from introspection for a long time and keep on searching for sensual pleasures, until the final punishment of fate comes to me. I know it will come sooner or later for such indulgence, but the thoughts of enjoying pleasure in good time is gaining the upper hand all the time.

The erosion life has continued for a long time. I am much like a lonely duckweed, floating in the surface of the river. The contemporary pleasure has been more and more difficult to fill up the hollow of my soul. The more fleeting delight I have pursued, the more feeling of guilty I have realized later, and it has expanded all the more. Greedy, proud, idle, angry, indulging......all have been precipitated in my character. I suddenly waked up from the poppy dream, what am I doing?! I shouldn't continue the sweet befuddled life anymore, I should discipline myself strictly. Nevertheless, it is very difficult because turning from negative to positive mental attitude is the same as climbing the mountain, and I should make no effort to resist all kinds of attractiveness. nevertheless, as long as I know this kind of experience is unavoidable, I have to adjust myself from time to time in order not to lose myself again.

SLEEP

even the most useful drug will turn to be useless in the end, when the patient abuse it.

I always think of, if this really happens, how can I maintain my life?
Maybe I am too eager to recover the normal life as others, instead of being a night ghost. At this moment, I am imaging all kinds of sleeping postures of other people, they must have slept soundly, but I am still awake and thinking of useless things.

I want to live a normal life as all others, so I abused using the medicine.

The feeling it brings to me is weaker and weaker with the raise of my using frequently. At the beginning only 1/3 of it will be effective only in 10 minutes, and I felt like being in wonderland and got the dream quickly. However, now even 1/2 of the tablet will not affect me at all.

It is clear that my pursuing for contemporary benefits is absolutely not helpful, and even brings me a more serious problem, that is my losing sleep is worse than before.

How can I carry on my life like this? How can I confess to my parents about this matter? They have already warned me not to use it too frequently, but now my illness is becoming worse because of my own behavior. I tell lies to them, saying that my life is stable and normal as usual, otherwise they will be too worry to support their own lives. How can I be so cruel, to bring them more pain when I already know they are filled with anxiety just because of me! They looks older than before last year when I meet them, no longer the handsome man and the beautiful woman. Their energy and youth has already exhausted on me for so many years. For them, I have to continue my struggle for life.

Therefore, I have to hide my real current condition. Also, I have to hide all other unsatisfactory happening to me from them, especially my mum, she becomes so sensitive because of me that she also lost her sleep at mid night, and she has to go to work next morning, working for many hours. I have to try to comfort their heart frightened for so many times.

I had to deal with it by myself. From the beginning to the end. Although I have no idea how to improve my current condition, I just transfer the problem to the fate, and I myself will despite him to handle my future.

The way I take medicine is very similar to the way I use money, I always avoid looking at the balance sheet of my bank account, I just take out money from the machine, and use the money to create a happier life. Never think of the future, at least today I am normal as all others, that is the best reward for me.

ऑइएन्त beauties

EXPO firework

writing doodle

At the moment I received the news, I just bitterly smiled, and then remained silent. I used to think of being sorrow is howl or vent. However now I must have no expressions in my face, though every breath will bring me much pain. I should have cried simply and directly, but once a person meet with the real painful things, he will only diverge the topics to other irrelevant things, and then sigh for other reasons. This is not because he doesn't care, but his extremely painful feeling push him to divert his attention from this serious matter.

If a person wants to grow up quickly, he has to experience painful things, for the heartfelt lesson will deeply engraved into his mind, making him always remember how to avoid the failure. But if some experiences are too painful for him, it will no longer only to be lessons, instead, it will be a kind of trauma.

Like other normal people, I have a few trauma events within my history. People always think of time is the best medicine for pain, with the flowing of time, the old events will never appear in the current world, neither will the history ever occur again, but someone who relating to the event will always consider again and again about the affair, so that the memories with in his mind will timelessly fresh as when it occurred. This kind of phenominon does really happens on people who are very sensitive, and the character which is used to be out of joy.

This thing happens to me is a kind of misfortune, and the unforgetful experience. I am afraid of this kind of things every much from my childhood, and every time I prey for preventing it to happen, it always happens on me. I have already experience this kind of things before, at that time I just be sad for one or two months, however this time whenever I think of it, I am decadently weak, and more clear and serious than before. Knowing something in this world can not be changed even people have tried their best.

Some people can recover from these kind of things very quickly, or seems to be strong in front of people. However if they ask themselves honestly, do they really recover? I am afraid not. If only they are perceptual, they will always feel sorrow about for that, no matter how they cheat themselves. The reason they pretend to be happy is just because they want to be happy ones in other people's imagination.

I begin to dislike and avoid many things now, even myself. "Decadent" can be used to describe my condition now, and I have developed a new unhealthy habit, that is abusing medicines. Once someone begins to take a kind of medicine, he or she will become generally rely on that. With the period longer, the effect of a certain medicine will begin to reduce, for inside the body of patient the immunity has came into being, so I have to take more and more frequently, and the illness state has taken a turn for the worse.

Also, I begin to love a feeling of being intoxicated with the effect of medicine. It is so similar to drunk people. I like to take the medicine before sleep, and all the sad feeling will be paralysised by the dizzy spell. There will also be delusion come into being when I look around. The headlight recesses into the ceiling generally, and its light changes from gently wide into many rays sending out to all directions, and from time to time rotating around the center. How beautiful the scene is!

Then I looked to the pictures I have search, all of the people in those pictures have their certain postures, and now they are slowly moving! Even their expressions are changing, especially their mouth, within my intocixating as well as delusion. At this moment I forget who I am, what I am doing, where this place is, extremely comfortable; I have no desire for anything, no matter food or drink, money or position, completely relaxed. I hope this condition will last for ever.

When I sober up from the pleasure later, I hope I can experience it every day, but this kind of medicine can only be used occasionally. Being sober means withstand those things made me painful, but now I have to meet them, not only for myself, but more for people who are important to me. Although in a life time 80% things will not satisfy people, we still have to choose live, not only because we are not brave enough to give up our lives, but also hope for the better lives in the future, with this motive power, I should continue my life for greeting a better future.

Furstration

Today I write a chapter of a new story, I only saved it as a draft cause I am not satisfied with it. I find from designing the structure of the plot to actually writing it there is still quite a far distance. That means I have imaged a good picture of it but not enough detailed plots to support my imagination. In the final analysis I have not the same experience of the characters in this story, that is why I can't create the necessary detailed things for my story. But I am very anxious to give birth to a new work and own affluent experience! Although it means I have to bear more pain feeling than normal people.I still want to have them. Currently I have great pressure for my unsafe situation, so I have not enough passion for writing a new story.

I got a headache after I finished this chapter, it is 2:00 in the morning. Because of the headache I can't fall asleep. These days I am so strange that I always feel asleep at 4:00 in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. I know it is a terrible situation, but for no one can wake me up in the morning, I have to sustain my condition for a period of time. Also because I wake up so late, I have no chance to go outside, always stay in the room. It really brings me much lonely feeling. But how can I change all of these?

So much things to worry about, and I have no idea how to save myself. Maybe I am just short-tempered, what I'd like to do is not suitable for my identity, and missing sleep can't be solved very quickly. When I feel uncomfortable it will be better after I wrote my feeling down. After all getting those things out of my chest will bring me a little bit console.