Lying in the darkness,I kept on thinking of one problem, in fact the method is simple: just pull the drawer, take out those tablets, put them into my mouth and then swallow them with the peach juice. Only half of one tablet is enough for sleep, so all of them may liberate my soul from the physical body. From that on, I will return back to the dim world I come from, where no feelings have ever existed, and this situation will last forever, I don't have to struggle for meanless life tiredly.
It's really so easy to complete the process, that I am surprised for such a shortcut to take to touch death. What's the meaning of waiting with fear and bearing tremendous pains for 60 or 70 years until the final judgement? The remote death country must be the same one which before we are born. It is a peacefully dead world, completely quiet one. There should be no reason for me to reject coming into it, on the contrary, it is quite suitable for me, who is suffocating roughly without any desire.
Thinking all of this, my blood condensed at once, and I began to breath rapidly. The contradictory minds conflict fiercely.Just image so many colorful dreams as bubbles rose highly and finally broke. However I was still like being nailed on the bed, can't even move to the drawer.
How shameful!!! My weakness in character has never been changed till now. Now that I can't live respectively, what's the point to continue the life like this?
The purpose of my life now is not for myself, but only my parents, they don't want to lose me, so I can't hurt them. That's the only purpose of my life. I have found an explanation to cover my weakness. However, my heart has already dead, numb, and despair. I can image from the darkness the fate is still striking me with his whip, and I am still crawling forward. My body is becoming putrid generally. From now on, I am really a dead person, until some day I have decided sufficiently to go to the shortcut way to another world.
Comparing to many other people, both my character and capability are too weak for surviving in this brutal world, even once the wind blow me, I can't stand still. So living is such a painful thing, every step of mine is standing on the edge of knives, so I may not belong to this world......
Not brave enough to die, so only degenerate.
