SLEEP

even the most useful drug will turn to be useless in the end, when the patient abuse it.

I always think of, if this really happens, how can I maintain my life?
Maybe I am too eager to recover the normal life as others, instead of being a night ghost. At this moment, I am imaging all kinds of sleeping postures of other people, they must have slept soundly, but I am still awake and thinking of useless things.

I want to live a normal life as all others, so I abused using the medicine.

The feeling it brings to me is weaker and weaker with the raise of my using frequently. At the beginning only 1/3 of it will be effective only in 10 minutes, and I felt like being in wonderland and got the dream quickly. However, now even 1/2 of the tablet will not affect me at all.

It is clear that my pursuing for contemporary benefits is absolutely not helpful, and even brings me a more serious problem, that is my losing sleep is worse than before.

How can I carry on my life like this? How can I confess to my parents about this matter? They have already warned me not to use it too frequently, but now my illness is becoming worse because of my own behavior. I tell lies to them, saying that my life is stable and normal as usual, otherwise they will be too worry to support their own lives. How can I be so cruel, to bring them more pain when I already know they are filled with anxiety just because of me! They looks older than before last year when I meet them, no longer the handsome man and the beautiful woman. Their energy and youth has already exhausted on me for so many years. For them, I have to continue my struggle for life.

Therefore, I have to hide my real current condition. Also, I have to hide all other unsatisfactory happening to me from them, especially my mum, she becomes so sensitive because of me that she also lost her sleep at mid night, and she has to go to work next morning, working for many hours. I have to try to comfort their heart frightened for so many times.

I had to deal with it by myself. From the beginning to the end. Although I have no idea how to improve my current condition, I just transfer the problem to the fate, and I myself will despite him to handle my future.

The way I take medicine is very similar to the way I use money, I always avoid looking at the balance sheet of my bank account, I just take out money from the machine, and use the money to create a happier life. Never think of the future, at least today I am normal as all others, that is the best reward for me.

ऑइएन्त beauties

EXPO firework

writing doodle

At the moment I received the news, I just bitterly smiled, and then remained silent. I used to think of being sorrow is howl or vent. However now I must have no expressions in my face, though every breath will bring me much pain. I should have cried simply and directly, but once a person meet with the real painful things, he will only diverge the topics to other irrelevant things, and then sigh for other reasons. This is not because he doesn't care, but his extremely painful feeling push him to divert his attention from this serious matter.

If a person wants to grow up quickly, he has to experience painful things, for the heartfelt lesson will deeply engraved into his mind, making him always remember how to avoid the failure. But if some experiences are too painful for him, it will no longer only to be lessons, instead, it will be a kind of trauma.

Like other normal people, I have a few trauma events within my history. People always think of time is the best medicine for pain, with the flowing of time, the old events will never appear in the current world, neither will the history ever occur again, but someone who relating to the event will always consider again and again about the affair, so that the memories with in his mind will timelessly fresh as when it occurred. This kind of phenominon does really happens on people who are very sensitive, and the character which is used to be out of joy.

This thing happens to me is a kind of misfortune, and the unforgetful experience. I am afraid of this kind of things every much from my childhood, and every time I prey for preventing it to happen, it always happens on me. I have already experience this kind of things before, at that time I just be sad for one or two months, however this time whenever I think of it, I am decadently weak, and more clear and serious than before. Knowing something in this world can not be changed even people have tried their best.

Some people can recover from these kind of things very quickly, or seems to be strong in front of people. However if they ask themselves honestly, do they really recover? I am afraid not. If only they are perceptual, they will always feel sorrow about for that, no matter how they cheat themselves. The reason they pretend to be happy is just because they want to be happy ones in other people's imagination.

I begin to dislike and avoid many things now, even myself. "Decadent" can be used to describe my condition now, and I have developed a new unhealthy habit, that is abusing medicines. Once someone begins to take a kind of medicine, he or she will become generally rely on that. With the period longer, the effect of a certain medicine will begin to reduce, for inside the body of patient the immunity has came into being, so I have to take more and more frequently, and the illness state has taken a turn for the worse.

Also, I begin to love a feeling of being intoxicated with the effect of medicine. It is so similar to drunk people. I like to take the medicine before sleep, and all the sad feeling will be paralysised by the dizzy spell. There will also be delusion come into being when I look around. The headlight recesses into the ceiling generally, and its light changes from gently wide into many rays sending out to all directions, and from time to time rotating around the center. How beautiful the scene is!

Then I looked to the pictures I have search, all of the people in those pictures have their certain postures, and now they are slowly moving! Even their expressions are changing, especially their mouth, within my intocixating as well as delusion. At this moment I forget who I am, what I am doing, where this place is, extremely comfortable; I have no desire for anything, no matter food or drink, money or position, completely relaxed. I hope this condition will last for ever.

When I sober up from the pleasure later, I hope I can experience it every day, but this kind of medicine can only be used occasionally. Being sober means withstand those things made me painful, but now I have to meet them, not only for myself, but more for people who are important to me. Although in a life time 80% things will not satisfy people, we still have to choose live, not only because we are not brave enough to give up our lives, but also hope for the better lives in the future, with this motive power, I should continue my life for greeting a better future.

Furstration

Today I write a chapter of a new story, I only saved it as a draft cause I am not satisfied with it. I find from designing the structure of the plot to actually writing it there is still quite a far distance. That means I have imaged a good picture of it but not enough detailed plots to support my imagination. In the final analysis I have not the same experience of the characters in this story, that is why I can't create the necessary detailed things for my story. But I am very anxious to give birth to a new work and own affluent experience! Although it means I have to bear more pain feeling than normal people.I still want to have them. Currently I have great pressure for my unsafe situation, so I have not enough passion for writing a new story.

I got a headache after I finished this chapter, it is 2:00 in the morning. Because of the headache I can't fall asleep. These days I am so strange that I always feel asleep at 4:00 in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. I know it is a terrible situation, but for no one can wake me up in the morning, I have to sustain my condition for a period of time. Also because I wake up so late, I have no chance to go outside, always stay in the room. It really brings me much lonely feeling. But how can I change all of these?

So much things to worry about, and I have no idea how to save myself. Maybe I am just short-tempered, what I'd like to do is not suitable for my identity, and missing sleep can't be solved very quickly. When I feel uncomfortable it will be better after I wrote my feeling down. After all getting those things out of my chest will bring me a little bit console.

Product of Vanity

Lose mind

The dry eyes look dim,
with no tears to make offering for sadness,
even not able to reflect the sunshine passes through leaf gap;

did not aware of anything for being in lost,
the faint smile outside the anxious thoughts of the season,
so indulge in illusory fantasies,
looking to the ideal boundary of perfection,
in undercurrent of irreversible time,
grope sweet and distinct memories,
if we can let the free wind blowing our consciousness,
then will be able to eliminate the fatigue,
more peacefully get to sleep than anyone else;

to the oath which need not a commitment,
still embrace a vision of looking forward,
passionate eyes,
now what will you reflect into the dream?

The clouds of beautiful sunset is floating endlessly,
it whispers to me,
who gradually begin to fall,
"come to the sea of the colorful glaze",
at another end of sweet fragrance sky I find you,
in the beautiful and dazzling confusion,
the chase is suffocating me,
I do not know whether it is a sweet trap,
How long should I keep on doing this?
although becoming exhausted,
still can't catch the sight of the end of world,
if being trapped in this captivating,
the sky of the night will cover all lives,
spread as spilled ink,
looming over everything into the death.

The idea is sane in the chilly morning,
the sadness plume up as raising smoke to the heart,
does it implicate,
the life you bring to me will eventually fade?