EXPO firework

writing doodle

At the moment I received the news, I just bitterly smiled, and then remained silent. I used to think of being sorrow is howl or vent. However now I must have no expressions in my face, though every breath will bring me much pain. I should have cried simply and directly, but once a person meet with the real painful things, he will only diverge the topics to other irrelevant things, and then sigh for other reasons. This is not because he doesn't care, but his extremely painful feeling push him to divert his attention from this serious matter.

If a person wants to grow up quickly, he has to experience painful things, for the heartfelt lesson will deeply engraved into his mind, making him always remember how to avoid the failure. But if some experiences are too painful for him, it will no longer only to be lessons, instead, it will be a kind of trauma.

Like other normal people, I have a few trauma events within my history. People always think of time is the best medicine for pain, with the flowing of time, the old events will never appear in the current world, neither will the history ever occur again, but someone who relating to the event will always consider again and again about the affair, so that the memories with in his mind will timelessly fresh as when it occurred. This kind of phenominon does really happens on people who are very sensitive, and the character which is used to be out of joy.

This thing happens to me is a kind of misfortune, and the unforgetful experience. I am afraid of this kind of things every much from my childhood, and every time I prey for preventing it to happen, it always happens on me. I have already experience this kind of things before, at that time I just be sad for one or two months, however this time whenever I think of it, I am decadently weak, and more clear and serious than before. Knowing something in this world can not be changed even people have tried their best.

Some people can recover from these kind of things very quickly, or seems to be strong in front of people. However if they ask themselves honestly, do they really recover? I am afraid not. If only they are perceptual, they will always feel sorrow about for that, no matter how they cheat themselves. The reason they pretend to be happy is just because they want to be happy ones in other people's imagination.

I begin to dislike and avoid many things now, even myself. "Decadent" can be used to describe my condition now, and I have developed a new unhealthy habit, that is abusing medicines. Once someone begins to take a kind of medicine, he or she will become generally rely on that. With the period longer, the effect of a certain medicine will begin to reduce, for inside the body of patient the immunity has came into being, so I have to take more and more frequently, and the illness state has taken a turn for the worse.

Also, I begin to love a feeling of being intoxicated with the effect of medicine. It is so similar to drunk people. I like to take the medicine before sleep, and all the sad feeling will be paralysised by the dizzy spell. There will also be delusion come into being when I look around. The headlight recesses into the ceiling generally, and its light changes from gently wide into many rays sending out to all directions, and from time to time rotating around the center. How beautiful the scene is!

Then I looked to the pictures I have search, all of the people in those pictures have their certain postures, and now they are slowly moving! Even their expressions are changing, especially their mouth, within my intocixating as well as delusion. At this moment I forget who I am, what I am doing, where this place is, extremely comfortable; I have no desire for anything, no matter food or drink, money or position, completely relaxed. I hope this condition will last for ever.

When I sober up from the pleasure later, I hope I can experience it every day, but this kind of medicine can only be used occasionally. Being sober means withstand those things made me painful, but now I have to meet them, not only for myself, but more for people who are important to me. Although in a life time 80% things will not satisfy people, we still have to choose live, not only because we are not brave enough to give up our lives, but also hope for the better lives in the future, with this motive power, I should continue my life for greeting a better future.

Furstration

Today I write a chapter of a new story, I only saved it as a draft cause I am not satisfied with it. I find from designing the structure of the plot to actually writing it there is still quite a far distance. That means I have imaged a good picture of it but not enough detailed plots to support my imagination. In the final analysis I have not the same experience of the characters in this story, that is why I can't create the necessary detailed things for my story. But I am very anxious to give birth to a new work and own affluent experience! Although it means I have to bear more pain feeling than normal people.I still want to have them. Currently I have great pressure for my unsafe situation, so I have not enough passion for writing a new story.

I got a headache after I finished this chapter, it is 2:00 in the morning. Because of the headache I can't fall asleep. These days I am so strange that I always feel asleep at 4:00 in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. I know it is a terrible situation, but for no one can wake me up in the morning, I have to sustain my condition for a period of time. Also because I wake up so late, I have no chance to go outside, always stay in the room. It really brings me much lonely feeling. But how can I change all of these?

So much things to worry about, and I have no idea how to save myself. Maybe I am just short-tempered, what I'd like to do is not suitable for my identity, and missing sleep can't be solved very quickly. When I feel uncomfortable it will be better after I wrote my feeling down. After all getting those things out of my chest will bring me a little bit console.

Product of Vanity

Lose mind

The dry eyes look dim,
with no tears to make offering for sadness,
even not able to reflect the sunshine passes through leaf gap;

did not aware of anything for being in lost,
the faint smile outside the anxious thoughts of the season,
so indulge in illusory fantasies,
looking to the ideal boundary of perfection,
in undercurrent of irreversible time,
grope sweet and distinct memories,
if we can let the free wind blowing our consciousness,
then will be able to eliminate the fatigue,
more peacefully get to sleep than anyone else;

to the oath which need not a commitment,
still embrace a vision of looking forward,
passionate eyes,
now what will you reflect into the dream?

The clouds of beautiful sunset is floating endlessly,
it whispers to me,
who gradually begin to fall,
"come to the sea of the colorful glaze",
at another end of sweet fragrance sky I find you,
in the beautiful and dazzling confusion,
the chase is suffocating me,
I do not know whether it is a sweet trap,
How long should I keep on doing this?
although becoming exhausted,
still can't catch the sight of the end of world,
if being trapped in this captivating,
the sky of the night will cover all lives,
spread as spilled ink,
looming over everything into the death.

The idea is sane in the chilly morning,
the sadness plume up as raising smoke to the heart,
does it implicate,
the life you bring to me will eventually fade?

Future prediction

Bet on a single throw and retreat before the impossible, which behavior is more close to noble?

Be surrounded by so much resistance, that even oneself begin to suspect, is it a kind of depletion of time to keep on doing something out of one's capacity.

Besieged on all sides, however still struggle in abyss of misery with no boundaries, trying to beat fate. Gradually become powerless, not only because of tiring, but also for the hurt. If the enemies stab and wound me, I will be stimulated by this action and then fight back. But what about someone are always comrade-in-arms, stop their support and turn the weapon towards you? The hurt is more deep than what the enemy grants me, for it happens when I am absolutely with no alert or expectation, and at the same time I can never accept it emotionally.

Retreat before the impossible, I think my mind has not matured to the extend of giving up doing anything. Any giving up will only brings me serious frustration, that in the future whenever I meet any difficulties, I will doubt my capacity and repeatedly fail. Maybe it is the tragedy of idealists, who always image of the best situation oneself can achieve, nevertheless, in the normal life it is full of things change unpredictably, and the idealists are very easily hurt for things not happening in their original plan. If it is the realist then he can adapt everything peacefully.

It is so difficult to image the condition after I give up. Now I am imaging that, before it happens, I have still gambling for my future and fighting hardly. When I fail, I will block myself in a private room and go on a hunger strike. But the survival instinct will never allow me to do so for a long time. Simultaneously with the coercion of people closest to me, I will find it no point to resist alone those tragedies, neither anyone will come and rescue me. The idea of alley begin to get the run upon, and I am still weak enough not to give up my life.

In order to obtain the power of living, I will try to do something I am really interested in. Because previously I have made a choice to sacrifice my hobbies and run the high risk. However the happy life is also contemporary, for what I am interested in can hardly bring me any income, I am out in a tight spot again.

Therefore I have to learn something starting from scratch. I have wasted so much time on things before, so I am unavoidable to become irritable when I am carrying on my study. My study will naturally not adequately good, but also not terrible enough. Without the passion of life, I become a powerless people, abandon the romantic thought and always worried about tiniest things, receiving the low but stable wages, babbling on and on about the adventure happened in my youth after I become older as a common lady.

I am not sure the things happen after that, for I may still keep on living like this, or, I will sooner or later completely change my job into an ideal one. It's the idealist's another imagination. The change will due to a rare opportunity, so that my fate can really be changed. If it doesn't happen, I may finish my whole life with disappointment.

Expecting all possibilities which could happen in the future, I will try to struggle not to give up the life now. If I finally can not achieve it, I will try to avoid living as those predictions. Also I don't hope to live too long to bear the mental suffering attack me from time to time.

essay

Every time the anxiety attacks me, the despair will filled in my mind, and I prefer lying in bed than sitting, for I am afraid that sitting will also exhaust my energy. Tensing the curtain, turning on the light on my desk, and I am bundled by the quilt. This will make me feel better. However, the headache is still winding my nerves, and there are waves of pain. Can not think of anything I interested in and be motivate to do, even sleep.

Extremely ashamed, I have to take out the medicine box, swallow one pill, and then back to bed.The pill which is even smaller than my fingernail, will bring me relaxation and the mind of muddle along. 10 minutes after I taking it, the idea is generated,"Another day of living is waiting for me, just survive."

Too many things to worry about. Some are the immediate crisis, others are long-term troubles. None of them are easy to deal with. The only way for me to defend them is having a pill every day. I always image someone to help me, but those who want to help me most are even more nervous than me. Because of love, their nerves become exceedingly sensitive, caring about every movement of mine, and their emotion always shift following my uncertain mood. Therefore, I won't tell them my deepest anxiousness.

Maybe I am also too sensitive, I often pretend to be inadvertently and observe other's attitude, and then I can learn most of what that person is thinking about. Sometimes it is useful, I can handle this situation with ease. However sometimes I feel really tired, for even I know that person's attitude to me, I still can't understand what is the reason he or she would be like that. Is it his or her natural character to everyone, or because of my mistake still unknown to me? If we have no conflict of interest, that is not too important, but if we have, I had to consider it all the time

High ideals are no doubt the motivation of one's power, but in the real life it is full of variable things. Therefore I know what surrounded me and what I am experiencing today may all disappear tomorrow, become a kind of history, a shadowy dream. Not able to look up into the most blue sky, breath the most fresh air and make friend with the most polite people, all of them will disappear in my life. I will have no opportunity, even no reason, to come back, even have an appeal of the old house I have once lived in, I can only come back within the dream; all those furnitures, neighbors and landscapes, lovely birds and beautiful flowers...... In the future, no matter where I go and have a trip, and no matter how beautiful the landscape that place owns, I will always cast down my eyes and be sorrow for a while.

Until now, I have realized that, although undoubtedly I am nice, it doesn't mean I am able to assess all the nice things in this world. On the contrary something which has never been thought of as nice often come into my life. Maybe it is the real test of fate, only in heaven can I always meet whatever I'd like to.

I will go back to another world. A world where people will not deliberately cover up the defect part of their character, there are unclad interest within people's relationships. No matter how difficult to bear the sight of frightfulness, I have to confess that it it the real life.

I always try to avoid meeting the dim part of world, now that I am not able to do so, I have to try to protect myself and maintain the justice myself. Remain the ideal world in my mind for ever.