Monday, August 23, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
quit or go on
This evening I have read a essay about confession of a prisoner under sentence of death, he deserved his punishment for he has done many curses to the public in order to benefit for himself. He was going to accept the capital punishment very soon. Suddenly I admired him for he was imposed to give up his life, when people like me should still continue their lives for a long time with no strong reasons, just for their physical instinct of afraid of death. He is able to experience the special process to go to that world, where no one has ever come back.
If there is such a rule, that every prisoner under execution can choose to live once they paid their properties to someone else who are too painful to go on living. Then someone else are going to experience euthanasia instead of prisoners peacefully. Their families or creditors will get a lot of money in return because of this. That person will be considered as never existed, clean and fresh.
I have been a vampire for twenty years. For such a long time my hosts--the parents bear hardship without any complaint. But what can I do in return? Just bring them much more annoyance and tire. I can neither stand manual work, nor bear headwork, so there's no meaning for me to exist, and my only ability is absorb other people's energy. Therefore if some prisoner under sentence of death is willing to support my parent's future lives, it will be an ideal thing.
The possibility is quite indistinct. My discreditable life will still continue, now that the life is valueless, and bear much more pain than happy, it is not a bad choice to give up. Maybe it's just the drive of idleness. However, hesitation arrest us to practice our plan from time to time, it is quite difficult to decide, I have to think about it now and again, for much time.
No desire is important now, because all will be lost at the end of people's life. Why every day I saw all people so hurried to do their affairs? They may try to bring themselves happiness, for a happier life. Well, it is a fair reason, but during the process it may bring them pain, and eventually they only enjoy the happiness for a short period of time, their desires grew up again to annoy them. Therefore they fall into pain again and again like a circle.
What about abandon all the desire? But there's no such person in this world. They are all lying in the graves. Even they are living, they are like dead people, walking corpse and running flesh. It has the same substance as death.
It is really difficult to decide.
If there is such a rule, that every prisoner under execution can choose to live once they paid their properties to someone else who are too painful to go on living. Then someone else are going to experience euthanasia instead of prisoners peacefully. Their families or creditors will get a lot of money in return because of this. That person will be considered as never existed, clean and fresh.
I have been a vampire for twenty years. For such a long time my hosts--the parents bear hardship without any complaint. But what can I do in return? Just bring them much more annoyance and tire. I can neither stand manual work, nor bear headwork, so there's no meaning for me to exist, and my only ability is absorb other people's energy. Therefore if some prisoner under sentence of death is willing to support my parent's future lives, it will be an ideal thing.
The possibility is quite indistinct. My discreditable life will still continue, now that the life is valueless, and bear much more pain than happy, it is not a bad choice to give up. Maybe it's just the drive of idleness. However, hesitation arrest us to practice our plan from time to time, it is quite difficult to decide, I have to think about it now and again, for much time.
No desire is important now, because all will be lost at the end of people's life. Why every day I saw all people so hurried to do their affairs? They may try to bring themselves happiness, for a happier life. Well, it is a fair reason, but during the process it may bring them pain, and eventually they only enjoy the happiness for a short period of time, their desires grew up again to annoy them. Therefore they fall into pain again and again like a circle.
What about abandon all the desire? But there's no such person in this world. They are all lying in the graves. Even they are living, they are like dead people, walking corpse and running flesh. It has the same substance as death.
It is really difficult to decide.
Monday, July 12, 2010
depravity
Lying in the darkness,I kept on thinking of one problem, in fact the method is simple: just pull the drawer, take out those tablets, put them into my mouth and then swallow them with the peach juice. Only half of one tablet is enough for sleep, so all of them may liberate my soul from the physical body. From that on, I will return back to the dim world I come from, where no feelings have ever existed, and this situation will last forever, I don't have to struggle for meanless life tiredly.
It's really so easy to complete the process, that I am surprised for such a shortcut to take to touch death. What's the meaning of waiting with fear and bearing tremendous pains for 60 or 70 years until the final judgement? The remote death country must be the same one which before we are born. It is a peacefully dead world, completely quiet one. There should be no reason for me to reject coming into it, on the contrary, it is quite suitable for me, who is suffocating roughly without any desire.
Thinking all of this, my blood condensed at once, and I began to breath rapidly. The contradictory minds conflict fiercely.Just image so many colorful dreams as bubbles rose highly and finally broke. However I was still like being nailed on the bed, can't even move to the drawer.
How shameful!!! My weakness in character has never been changed till now. Now that I can't live respectively, what's the point to continue the life like this?
The purpose of my life now is not for myself, but only my parents, they don't want to lose me, so I can't hurt them. That's the only purpose of my life. I have found an explanation to cover my weakness. However, my heart has already dead, numb, and despair. I can image from the darkness the fate is still striking me with his whip, and I am still crawling forward. My body is becoming putrid generally. From now on, I am really a dead person, until some day I have decided sufficiently to go to the shortcut way to another world.
Comparing to many other people, both my character and capability are too weak for surviving in this brutal world, even once the wind blow me, I can't stand still. So living is such a painful thing, every step of mine is standing on the edge of knives, so I may not belong to this world......
Not brave enough to die, so only degenerate.
It's really so easy to complete the process, that I am surprised for such a shortcut to take to touch death. What's the meaning of waiting with fear and bearing tremendous pains for 60 or 70 years until the final judgement? The remote death country must be the same one which before we are born. It is a peacefully dead world, completely quiet one. There should be no reason for me to reject coming into it, on the contrary, it is quite suitable for me, who is suffocating roughly without any desire.
Thinking all of this, my blood condensed at once, and I began to breath rapidly. The contradictory minds conflict fiercely.Just image so many colorful dreams as bubbles rose highly and finally broke. However I was still like being nailed on the bed, can't even move to the drawer.
How shameful!!! My weakness in character has never been changed till now. Now that I can't live respectively, what's the point to continue the life like this?
The purpose of my life now is not for myself, but only my parents, they don't want to lose me, so I can't hurt them. That's the only purpose of my life. I have found an explanation to cover my weakness. However, my heart has already dead, numb, and despair. I can image from the darkness the fate is still striking me with his whip, and I am still crawling forward. My body is becoming putrid generally. From now on, I am really a dead person, until some day I have decided sufficiently to go to the shortcut way to another world.
Comparing to many other people, both my character and capability are too weak for surviving in this brutal world, even once the wind blow me, I can't stand still. So living is such a painful thing, every step of mine is standing on the edge of knives, so I may not belong to this world......
Not brave enough to die, so only degenerate.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
rescue
It is quite hard to type words again for someone who keep silent for a long time. Writing is one of the happiest thing in the world, for people can express their feelings and elaborate their considerations between the lines unrestrainedly. However sometimes I think even this enjoyment will be lost by me, for I have been imposed to choose another living pattern, which whets human's nature roughly, so that no delicate thoughts will ever be remained in people's hearts. Not only this external factor, but personal reasons as well. Sometimes I am just not strong enough to adjust my emotion. I really respect someone who can still produce their works tremendously even in extremely adverse circumstances. I am so weak that I escaped from introspection for a long time and keep on searching for sensual pleasures, until the final punishment of fate comes to me. I know it will come sooner or later for such indulgence, but the thoughts of enjoying pleasure in good time is gaining the upper hand all the time.
The erosion life has continued for a long time. I am much like a lonely duckweed, floating in the surface of the river. The contemporary pleasure has been more and more difficult to fill up the hollow of my soul. The more fleeting delight I have pursued, the more feeling of guilty I have realized later, and it has expanded all the more. Greedy, proud, idle, angry, indulging......all have been precipitated in my character. I suddenly waked up from the poppy dream, what am I doing?! I shouldn't continue the sweet befuddled life anymore, I should discipline myself strictly. Nevertheless, it is very difficult because turning from negative to positive mental attitude is the same as climbing the mountain, and I should make no effort to resist all kinds of attractiveness. nevertheless, as long as I know this kind of experience is unavoidable, I have to adjust myself from time to time in order not to lose myself again.
The erosion life has continued for a long time. I am much like a lonely duckweed, floating in the surface of the river. The contemporary pleasure has been more and more difficult to fill up the hollow of my soul. The more fleeting delight I have pursued, the more feeling of guilty I have realized later, and it has expanded all the more. Greedy, proud, idle, angry, indulging......all have been precipitated in my character. I suddenly waked up from the poppy dream, what am I doing?! I shouldn't continue the sweet befuddled life anymore, I should discipline myself strictly. Nevertheless, it is very difficult because turning from negative to positive mental attitude is the same as climbing the mountain, and I should make no effort to resist all kinds of attractiveness. nevertheless, as long as I know this kind of experience is unavoidable, I have to adjust myself from time to time in order not to lose myself again.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
SLEEP
even the most useful drug will turn to be useless in the end, when the patient abuse it.
I always think of, if this really happens, how can I maintain my life?
Maybe I am too eager to recover the normal life as others, instead of being a night ghost. At this moment, I am imaging all kinds of sleeping postures of other people, they must have slept soundly, but I am still awake and thinking of useless things.
I want to live a normal life as all others, so I abused using the medicine.
The feeling it brings to me is weaker and weaker with the raise of my using frequently. At the beginning only 1/3 of it will be effective only in 10 minutes, and I felt like being in wonderland and got the dream quickly. However, now even 1/2 of the tablet will not affect me at all.
It is clear that my pursuing for contemporary benefits is absolutely not helpful, and even brings me a more serious problem, that is my losing sleep is worse than before.
How can I carry on my life like this? How can I confess to my parents about this matter? They have already warned me not to use it too frequently, but now my illness is becoming worse because of my own behavior. I tell lies to them, saying that my life is stable and normal as usual, otherwise they will be too worry to support their own lives. How can I be so cruel, to bring them more pain when I already know they are filled with anxiety just because of me! They looks older than before last year when I meet them, no longer the handsome man and the beautiful woman. Their energy and youth has already exhausted on me for so many years. For them, I have to continue my struggle for life.
Therefore, I have to hide my real current condition. Also, I have to hide all other unsatisfactory happening to me from them, especially my mum, she becomes so sensitive because of me that she also lost her sleep at mid night, and she has to go to work next morning, working for many hours. I have to try to comfort their heart frightened for so many times.
I had to deal with it by myself. From the beginning to the end. Although I have no idea how to improve my current condition, I just transfer the problem to the fate, and I myself will despite him to handle my future.
The way I take medicine is very similar to the way I use money, I always avoid looking at the balance sheet of my bank account, I just take out money from the machine, and use the money to create a happier life. Never think of the future, at least today I am normal as all others, that is the best reward for me.
I always think of, if this really happens, how can I maintain my life?
Maybe I am too eager to recover the normal life as others, instead of being a night ghost. At this moment, I am imaging all kinds of sleeping postures of other people, they must have slept soundly, but I am still awake and thinking of useless things.
I want to live a normal life as all others, so I abused using the medicine.
The feeling it brings to me is weaker and weaker with the raise of my using frequently. At the beginning only 1/3 of it will be effective only in 10 minutes, and I felt like being in wonderland and got the dream quickly. However, now even 1/2 of the tablet will not affect me at all.
It is clear that my pursuing for contemporary benefits is absolutely not helpful, and even brings me a more serious problem, that is my losing sleep is worse than before.
How can I carry on my life like this? How can I confess to my parents about this matter? They have already warned me not to use it too frequently, but now my illness is becoming worse because of my own behavior. I tell lies to them, saying that my life is stable and normal as usual, otherwise they will be too worry to support their own lives. How can I be so cruel, to bring them more pain when I already know they are filled with anxiety just because of me! They looks older than before last year when I meet them, no longer the handsome man and the beautiful woman. Their energy and youth has already exhausted on me for so many years. For them, I have to continue my struggle for life.
Therefore, I have to hide my real current condition. Also, I have to hide all other unsatisfactory happening to me from them, especially my mum, she becomes so sensitive because of me that she also lost her sleep at mid night, and she has to go to work next morning, working for many hours. I have to try to comfort their heart frightened for so many times.
I had to deal with it by myself. From the beginning to the end. Although I have no idea how to improve my current condition, I just transfer the problem to the fate, and I myself will despite him to handle my future.
The way I take medicine is very similar to the way I use money, I always avoid looking at the balance sheet of my bank account, I just take out money from the machine, and use the money to create a happier life. Never think of the future, at least today I am normal as all others, that is the best reward for me.
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