Future prediction

Bet on a single throw and retreat before the impossible, which behavior is more close to noble?

Be surrounded by so much resistance, that even oneself begin to suspect, is it a kind of depletion of time to keep on doing something out of one's capacity.

Besieged on all sides, however still struggle in abyss of misery with no boundaries, trying to beat fate. Gradually become powerless, not only because of tiring, but also for the hurt. If the enemies stab and wound me, I will be stimulated by this action and then fight back. But what about someone are always comrade-in-arms, stop their support and turn the weapon towards you? The hurt is more deep than what the enemy grants me, for it happens when I am absolutely with no alert or expectation, and at the same time I can never accept it emotionally.

Retreat before the impossible, I think my mind has not matured to the extend of giving up doing anything. Any giving up will only brings me serious frustration, that in the future whenever I meet any difficulties, I will doubt my capacity and repeatedly fail. Maybe it is the tragedy of idealists, who always image of the best situation oneself can achieve, nevertheless, in the normal life it is full of things change unpredictably, and the idealists are very easily hurt for things not happening in their original plan. If it is the realist then he can adapt everything peacefully.

It is so difficult to image the condition after I give up. Now I am imaging that, before it happens, I have still gambling for my future and fighting hardly. When I fail, I will block myself in a private room and go on a hunger strike. But the survival instinct will never allow me to do so for a long time. Simultaneously with the coercion of people closest to me, I will find it no point to resist alone those tragedies, neither anyone will come and rescue me. The idea of alley begin to get the run upon, and I am still weak enough not to give up my life.

In order to obtain the power of living, I will try to do something I am really interested in. Because previously I have made a choice to sacrifice my hobbies and run the high risk. However the happy life is also contemporary, for what I am interested in can hardly bring me any income, I am out in a tight spot again.

Therefore I have to learn something starting from scratch. I have wasted so much time on things before, so I am unavoidable to become irritable when I am carrying on my study. My study will naturally not adequately good, but also not terrible enough. Without the passion of life, I become a powerless people, abandon the romantic thought and always worried about tiniest things, receiving the low but stable wages, babbling on and on about the adventure happened in my youth after I become older as a common lady.

I am not sure the things happen after that, for I may still keep on living like this, or, I will sooner or later completely change my job into an ideal one. It's the idealist's another imagination. The change will due to a rare opportunity, so that my fate can really be changed. If it doesn't happen, I may finish my whole life with disappointment.

Expecting all possibilities which could happen in the future, I will try to struggle not to give up the life now. If I finally can not achieve it, I will try to avoid living as those predictions. Also I don't hope to live too long to bear the mental suffering attack me from time to time.

essay

Every time the anxiety attacks me, the despair will filled in my mind, and I prefer lying in bed than sitting, for I am afraid that sitting will also exhaust my energy. Tensing the curtain, turning on the light on my desk, and I am bundled by the quilt. This will make me feel better. However, the headache is still winding my nerves, and there are waves of pain. Can not think of anything I interested in and be motivate to do, even sleep.

Extremely ashamed, I have to take out the medicine box, swallow one pill, and then back to bed.The pill which is even smaller than my fingernail, will bring me relaxation and the mind of muddle along. 10 minutes after I taking it, the idea is generated,"Another day of living is waiting for me, just survive."

Too many things to worry about. Some are the immediate crisis, others are long-term troubles. None of them are easy to deal with. The only way for me to defend them is having a pill every day. I always image someone to help me, but those who want to help me most are even more nervous than me. Because of love, their nerves become exceedingly sensitive, caring about every movement of mine, and their emotion always shift following my uncertain mood. Therefore, I won't tell them my deepest anxiousness.

Maybe I am also too sensitive, I often pretend to be inadvertently and observe other's attitude, and then I can learn most of what that person is thinking about. Sometimes it is useful, I can handle this situation with ease. However sometimes I feel really tired, for even I know that person's attitude to me, I still can't understand what is the reason he or she would be like that. Is it his or her natural character to everyone, or because of my mistake still unknown to me? If we have no conflict of interest, that is not too important, but if we have, I had to consider it all the time

High ideals are no doubt the motivation of one's power, but in the real life it is full of variable things. Therefore I know what surrounded me and what I am experiencing today may all disappear tomorrow, become a kind of history, a shadowy dream. Not able to look up into the most blue sky, breath the most fresh air and make friend with the most polite people, all of them will disappear in my life. I will have no opportunity, even no reason, to come back, even have an appeal of the old house I have once lived in, I can only come back within the dream; all those furnitures, neighbors and landscapes, lovely birds and beautiful flowers...... In the future, no matter where I go and have a trip, and no matter how beautiful the landscape that place owns, I will always cast down my eyes and be sorrow for a while.

Until now, I have realized that, although undoubtedly I am nice, it doesn't mean I am able to assess all the nice things in this world. On the contrary something which has never been thought of as nice often come into my life. Maybe it is the real test of fate, only in heaven can I always meet whatever I'd like to.

I will go back to another world. A world where people will not deliberately cover up the defect part of their character, there are unclad interest within people's relationships. No matter how difficult to bear the sight of frightfulness, I have to confess that it it the real life.

I always try to avoid meeting the dim part of world, now that I am not able to do so, I have to try to protect myself and maintain the justice myself. Remain the ideal world in my mind for ever.

Slave of common customs

I have the worst habit of duplicity.

Not only being like this, but I have deeply sinked into it as well.

Repeatedly swearing that I don't care about the secular vision, when I was proud of myself after accomplished some objective. I treat it the greatest character a person should own, because in many first-class literature works almost all the main hero are able to respect all people and are full of the spirit of rebellion. Therefore I once have thought of myself in a righteous way that I am that kind as well. But I actually not that kind, on the contrary, I am the slave of the common customs.

That fear is within my unconsciousness, for I am not a brave person after all. Completely ignoring the bias of customs and doing something looked as "falling" in their views really need the brave extend out of what I can attend. Am I owning the courageous to abandon my studies, taking the risks of bearing poverty and discrimination, to pursue for the life of artist? Am I brave enough to become drunk in order to obtain the inspiration of creation? Am I universally love all kinds of people and experience the same life as the poor? I naturally despise the hypocritical noble people, but I am not necessarily respect the poor people. I am somewhat like a funny ancient person, who loves large dragon, but when the real dragon was in front of him, he just escape as fast as he can. When the real proof has coming, I don't even resist and surrender directly.

I am the slave of common customs, and very faithfully. In front of me is the rapid and unfathomable river, and I have to walk though it independently with no resorting. In order to win the appreciate vision of society, although I didn't think in that way due to my denying of my vanity thought, I am actually involved with the great dangerous.

In order to satisfy my vainglory which is innate to me, and to please the public, I choose to carry a ring of light on my head as an angel, irreversibly walked into the river. The water level continuously cover my body, until now it has strangled my throat, and the most important thing is that I don't know how deep the water will be in the future.

Acting without considering about self capacity is foolish in one perspective, and in another perspective I treat running risk of great failure. I clearly know if I fail to do so I will be hurt seriously, and unable to get up after a fall. I am also not unrestrained enough to give up, not because I am very strong, on the contrary insisting on doing something is precisely because of the fragile, afraid of self-denial and can not bear that all the things I do are just waste of time. Moreover, if I abandon doing this, I myself will fear the pressure coming from all area.

So now I am still in the rapid river, being caught in a delimma. Knowing nothing about condition in another band, I blindly follow the way paved for me by secular. On one hand I dislike the secular sense of worth, but on another hand I can't escape from it, for I also have vainglory, and it can only be satisfied in the area of society, only being surrounded by those flattering people. It is obvious that I have not enough talent of doing those current things, I still try to do them.

Due to those, I have given up many things, generally becoming boring as those people, and more and more similar with them. My inspiration is running off from my thought. Now I feel very choppy even for writing such a normal essay. Creative passion is very fragile, I can only complete a work under a fully relaxed condition. If I can really ignore the pressure of society, walk though them without even having a look at them, and create my own work, then I will not be far away from a great artist.

Carrying the great trust of secular, I walked towards the front totteringly betraying my own will.